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Clinical Information: |
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Depression | Coping with Grief and Loss |
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Coping with Grief and Loss
When we lose someone close and dear to us, we normally experience a wide range of feelings like anger, despair, sadness, agitation etc. These feelings that we feel inside (the emotional reactions to the loss of a loved one) is what we call grief. Grief is a normal process that we go through after the loss of a loved one. We should therefore embrace this process and accept it as an essential element in healing after the loss of a loved one. Though each one of us will grieve differently, studies have shown that there are a number of stages that are associated with this painful experience.
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Grief Stages
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Stage 1 - Shock and denial:
This stage comes immediately after we hear about the death of our loved ones. It is during this stage that we tend to be overwhelmed by feelings/experiences like disbelief, shortness of breath (or difficulty breathing), tightness in the throat, numbness, confusion etc. As these shock reactions subside, denial usually sets in. We may find ourselves entertaining the idea that our loved one is still alive. We may feel that the report we have received is a mistake and we may tell ourselves that when we get home we will find our loved one. As time passes and preparations for the funeral begin, reality may begin to set in. It is important to realise that denial is not necessarily negative as it allows us time to accept and to come to terms with the permanence of the loss. |
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Stage 2 - Acute anguish, bargaining and self-blaming:
Immediately when we start to realise that our loved one is gone forever, we will begin to feel extremely distressed and we may at times find ourselves crying and feeling great pain. These feelings may sometimes be so intense that they may incapacitate us for a while. It is during this time that we need to acknowledge that the loss has occurred. At times this acknowledgement comes with a lot of bargaining and feelings of self-blame. Common responses may include statements like: “I should have acted faster”; “I should have quickly taken him to the hospital”; “Only if I had paid more attention …” etc. These self-blaming responses that are a way of bargaining with the loss, usually lead to the third stage. |
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Stage 3 - Anger, anxiety and depression:
Loss of a loved one often stirs intense feelings of powerlessness, anger and anxiety. We may find ourselves directing the anger at ourselves or the person who has passed away. At times we may direct the anger at hospital staff or even God for not saving the lost life. Though we may feel extremely uncomfortable with our anger, it is important to realise that this feeling is an indication that we are beginning to accept the facts related to the loss. Sometimes the anger may be turned inwards and become so intense that we may begin to have extreme guilt feelings. We may begin to feel uncomfortable in the company of others and opt to keep to ourselves. We may begin to ignore family and friends and prefer to spend time alone. We may find ourselves losing interest in the things that we used to do and enjoy before. These reactions are indications of depression and they may signal to us that we need to see a psychologist or medical doctor. |
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Stage 4 - Acceptance:
During this stage we begin to realise that the situation is not going to be the same as before and that our loved one is not coming back. We also begin to accept that it is not through our fault that we lost a loved one. We begin to have the strength to talk about the deceased without feeling the terrible pain that we felt immediately after the death. It is not easy to tell how long it will take to reach this stage in the healing process. For some people this may come after a week, or a month while others may take a year or more before they come to accept the reality of the loss. Even if we do reach this stage, there will still be periods when we will deeply miss our loved one and at times we may return to any or all the above stages. With time and constant support from others (including professional assistance), we will regain our strength and move on in life. |
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Grief Reactions
Grief reactions are as different as the people who experience them; so there is no specific way to grieve. Grief may lead to physical symptoms, psychological reactions and/or unusual social responses.
Physical symptoms: These could include symptoms such as insomnia (sleeplessness), poor appetite (and in some cases increased appetite), dizziness, fatigue, fainting, twitches, weakness, chest pain, headaches, high blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, visual difficulties, heavy sweating, difficulty breathing etc
Psychological symptoms: These may include confusion, poor problem solving, poor concentration/memory, disorientation for time, place or person, fear, anger, guilt, panic, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, etc. We may find it difficult to make decisions and to think clearly. Small victories, such as deciding on what to eat in the morning will help us to regain our sense of control
Social symptoms: Grief may prompt some people to withdraw from life while others may be pushed to stay too busy. It is important that contact with friends and family is maintained. Contact with others who are experiencing the loss can help one to move through the grief process. |
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What To Do If You Suffer A Loss Of Someone You Love
• Accept that grief is normal and that healing is going to take time.
• Anticipate that feelings of overwhelming sadness will recur after the period of grief. Special times during which you may be overwhelmed by sadness may include holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc;
• Realise that other people may be uncomfortable and inexperienced in dealing with grief – so do not quickly interpret their reactions as an indication of non-caring behaviour;
• Share your feelings with your friends and family; if necessary and possible ask your supervisor for temporary adjustment in work hours or workload. You may also consider asking for additional leave from work if possible.
• If you require emotional support make arrangements to see a psychologist or any professional counsellor. |
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